| We're Just Two Lost Souls Swimmin' In a Fish Bowl |
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[11 May 2008|03:15am] |
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I feel that it's probably a good idea to make a post. Live journal really only serves as a reminder for the life I've already had. That and it allows me to stalk Vicki, of course. But I feel like I need to keep some sort of record. I used to keep a journal. I used to type out everything I was feeling, printed it, and then taped it into my journal. I used to have time to type out all of my warped feelings and thoughts, and I used to think that what I was writing made me sound philosophical about life, like maybe I understood things more than I thought other people understood things. Epiphanies are overrated. Sometimes I'd rather be in the dark.
Two weeks ago, I was driving on the freeway with my window down, listening to music after a pointless day of work, and I realized that it was the first time in probably years that I was genuinely happy. I wasn't thinking about my relationship with Mike, I wasn't upset over something my mom had done or said, I wasn't mixed inside the school girl drama of high school, I was just in the moment, and extremely happy to be there. I feel so different now, or more like myself than I ever have been. While it is true that I'm a generally happy person, I feel like I was in the constant habit of pointing out to myself all of the things in my life that could make me unhappy, and then I spent a fleeting moment to reflect on how crappy that was.
After Mike and I finally ended things, I really had to force myself to be happy. I had to train myself to think differently. I feel like I've finally stopped relying on other people to make me happy, and I finally did it all by myself. It really was a forced feeling for awhile. I wasn't outwardly unhappy, I was just... sad, to myself and maybe a few close friends. And now, I really find it hard to reflect on how sad I should be or have the right to be. I just don't care. It doesn't matter. I don't even feel like I'm on some heightened level of happiness that I'll fall down from. I do feel different. I'm more happy to be the person that I am than I used to be.
Wow... I just became extremely tired and want to go to bed. I hate it when I start typing, and then I lose complete interest in what I'm doing. Really.. what's that all about.
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| I'm on fire for you, clearly. |
[14 Dec 2007|12:38am] |
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Harvest Moon - Neil Young |
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sometimes I wonder if I am honestly mentally and emotionally healthy. Actually, it's a stupid question, because at one time or another, most people are "unhealthy," and I'd be ashamed if I could honestly say I had never been before. I'm just happy that I'm not crying all the time anymore. My heart's not heavy anymore. I'm happy. All by myself. Just me.
I'm a strange person. Today, I wanted to make christmas presents for the people I couldn't really spend too much money on, you know, the people that you like, but don't like enough to go into personal debt, those people. And the idea that I came up with, and subsequently spent all day finishing, is, quite frankly, a bit disturbing. On my motorcycle trip with my dad, we stopped in Las Vegas, and as we were walking down Las Vegas Blvd., there are people there who stand there and hand out cards with call-girl numbers and prices on them. My dad thought they were so funny that he went up to literally every person and took a stack of them. By the end of the night, we had over 200, and I swore that I would use all of them for something. For instance, for Cichelle's 18th birthday, I punched a hole in about 20 of them and made a booklet out of them. So... for Christmas, I got cut out magnets, laminating paper, and alphabet stickers, and then for each person, I took a stripper card, put their name on it in alphabet sticker letters, put a magnet on the back, and then laminated it. I think its hilarious... a stripper magnet... but it then occurred to me that the people receiving these may not see the humor and may not think they are funny, but rather would think I'm obsessed with porn.. or something silly like that. Nevertheless, I made about 10 of them.
I have the potential to get all As this semester, which is a feat, considering my blasted biogeography teacher is a retired mentally retarded person, and the fact that Mike and I broke up. I've had about a day and a half to study, and all I've done is watch movies and make porno cards. I've watched Harry Potter about 6 times. I've neglected to shower. I'm doing nothing. I really should do something.
I got my internship. I couldn't be happier. I really feel excited, and terrified, and I do think sometimes that maybe I'm really not ready for it, but I'm going to be learning about something I actually care about. And not just learning, but doing it. I've set my expectations a little high though. It does occur to me that the job that I want may be too intelligent for me. But I get that from West Wing. Half of that show goes right over my head. That's what I like about it. I really have to think about what's going on when I'm watching it. I wonder how much of my brain is working when I watch West Wing compared to.. let's say... America's Next Top Model.. or Grey's Anatomy. I'm scared. I have so much catching up to do. There isn't enough time in the day...
Christmas break should be ridiculous. I want to go sledding, and ice skating with Vicki, and go to Barnes and read for hours. I can do whatever I want! for an entire month. The whole month is mine. mine.
I'd be so okay with leaving for a couple years. I think if I try really hard, I could intern in Washington D.C. I'd shit myself, naturally, but I still like to think that I could do it.
And honestly, there's a part of me that just wants to go to sleep.
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| I want to break free! |
[28 Sep 2007|12:13am] |
You know, I just realized, as it was taking 5 minutes for my internet to load, that it's really rather pointless for me to post anything here. Everything I really want to talk about, especially in diary form, is really only meant for Vicki to read. Anything I ever put on here is really only for Vicki to read. Occasionally, other people do read it so I will not talk about the things I would like to.
This year is 100X better than last. I think it's all because we (andra and joe) do not hang out with Feeney anymore. It's actually kind of nice because we visited him once this year, and he seemed just as perfectly happy without us! I somewhat regret not living in an apartment this year. It is nice being able to go to my room whenever I want, and not having the bill is nice too, but I actually like being around people this year, so it seems pointless anyway.
My mom bought a Tahao for 30,000 today. I was so saddened by that thought.
But on a wonderful side note, I think I have convinced her she needs to get a puppy so my poor dog can have a friend. No one plays with him as much as they should. Poor puppy.
Wow. I really have nothing to say when it's not talking about the things I want to talk about.
I have realized that I don't reaaaally want to go home this summer. Swet won't be there, which is 40% of the reason, honestly... But I like it here. I like my friends here. I feel... more liked here? I know that makes sense to some people. But at the same time, I love being home. I love being in my house, I love sitting around for a whole day to watch movies and look disgusting. I guess I could do that here. But my disney VHSs aren't here. I don't even have a VCR here. Do they even manufacture those anymore? My goodness. I like my mom now. So much. She's funny... and I can talk to her for hours on the phone. We didn't fight once this summer. Not once. She became so much more understanding, and wonderful. I miss her. And if I didn't get to see my dad, I think I'd go insane. After our trip this summer, I feel so... sad that I can't spend more time with him. I love him, probably more than I love anyone.
Do you ever want to make a list of all the things you love about your relationship with someone? I just tried, like literally tried to type it out, and I can't even put into words what it is that makes it so special. Well, I could put it into words, but they'd be words like "how it's adorable that I scrunch my face for 5 minutes when I take a shot." That makes no sense. hah... that makes it seem like I love the relationship I have with myself! Well, anyway. It doesn't matter. I guess I'm the only one that could ever understand the list anyway. Sigh.
RAMBLE RAMBLE RAMBLE. Wow.
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[18 Jan 2006|10:26pm] |
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VICKI YOU LIVEJOURNAL WHORE!! LIVEJOURNAL HAS DIED! Come over to the darkforce we call "myspace"
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[20 Dec 2005|01:14am] |
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cowboy dan |
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Ah wow, Livejournal. You have become non-existent. I feel sorry for you.
I hate the last week before christmas. School is always a bitch because there are at least 7 tests you need to cram for in like 2 days. I never have any presents finished. But at least I'm not doing what I did last year. Making pillows for everyone was not cool. And I owe my mom 500 dollars... so I have next to no money to actually spend on anyone.
Winter does have its perks. I love sledding. It's an innocent fun that you don't find in very many places. When you are going down a hill, you can't help but burst out in a fit of laughter. And then you go home and drink hot chocolate and snuggle up in a blanket and watch movies. How wonderful is that?!
So I tried out for the play... I said that I would since freshman year and I finally did it. I got a pretty minor role, but I'm surprised I got anything... my audition was horrible. I have like 6 lines or something. Oh well, I'm really excited about being with all of those people! I really dislike my mother tho. I get home and my mom comes in my room, asks me about the play, and then tells me to quit so I can pay my bills. Wow, she sucks. But I really won't be making any money. I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I'm supposed to go to Washington D.C. for a leadership forum in February... We have to send like 31 letters to different organizations asking for donations so I can pay the tuition. Bah.
I think I'm going to Minnesota-Twin Cities. I got waitlisted for Madison, and I'm just not that upset. I love how my mom freaked out about how much minnesota costs... screaming at me about how we are gonna get the money to pay for it. Madison costs more than minnesota... I think the menthols have made her go loopy. I dislike her.
I never go to my dad's anymore. He told me that he can never count on me coming there and that he didn't even think that I was coming for christmas. My dad is like my best friend. I was very sad about that.
Good news, I haven't been in an accident yet. My car is actually being nice to me, unlike swet's car... who apparently hates him. I just hope it holds out through the winter. I don't think I could handle getting in an accident and having to pay for that too.
Wow... I really want to go sledding right now.
I never sleep anymore. My average bedtime is 2 in the morning. Vicki prolly still beats that, but I'm up there. I think if there was actually an insomniac club... vicki would be president, I would be vice-president, and swet would be secretary/treasurer. We wouldnt really need a treasurer unless you count the money we need to buy sleeping pills... or coffee to keep us up the next day... either way... I hate school.
Um, I got class clown for senior titles. I don't know how. I don't think I'm funny, and apparently no one else does either. So... I guess it's cause I'm loud? Hmm... yea. I suppose so.
This whole entry has a very pessimist tone... I don't mean it to be. It's just that it's 1:27 in the morning and I really don't have a large fluctuation of tones at this time.
I hate mariposas(butterflies).
I want to sleep for hours, upon hours, upon hours. And then go sledding. And then watch "It's a Wonderful Life" with chocolate icecream and pillows all over the place.
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[26 Nov 2005|12:51am] |
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everyone has abandoned livejournal.
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[21 Nov 2005|12:03am] |
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don't panic |
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This was the Harry Potter crew! Best time ever! There are at least 10 blankets there
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[06 Nov 2005|02:26am] |
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this is a long drive |
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Happy Birthday, John!
and Happy First Game (Capture the Flag) of Night Games Club!
Yea, I'm pretty sure it rained all night, poured actually. I will have pneumonia tomorrow, I promise. But we had some troopers for the game. Apparently, "reschedule" doesn't compute with them. So we played 2 games. Both teams won a game. It was just too cold and wet to have too much fun, but it was good under the circumstances and everyone made the best of it. MVP = Ryan Feeney (apparently... haha) BWWs was a good time. Except for Swet's cell phone. And the Asians picking up "hot" girls from NDA. That was awkward. But Curly's was fun for sure. Some good pool(except for sheunn-fong, he was real bad) and some real real good people.
John's b-day party really was a blast. John turned into a hooters girl for the night, although I do think their performance was a little weak. Very entertaining group of people! Definitely had a blowing contest with Jen, which I won! Which is reeaaaalllly puzzling. I guess we'll just blame it on Jason's interruption. The cake was good! Granted I was very sick today because of it, but it was good all the same.
I'll never understand how this happened... haha
My mom def just kicked John out of my house because he fell asleep for like two hours and I didn't have the heart to wake him up. "It's 2:10 in the morning! What would his parents say?!" "Ah... he doesn't have a curfew... they wouldn't say anything..." "Well that's not the point!" haha My mom is a riot. She has to be right in every situation.
Hope all of your weekends are going well. Swet, sorry about your completely horrible streak of luck today. To everyone else... get your game on and watch your ass? Yea, that was part of the official rules for Capture the Flag.
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| shit. |
[31 Oct 2005|10:31pm] |
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karma police |
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Apparently, Halloween was fun this year.
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[17 Oct 2005|11:30pm] |
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fuego de videos juegos |
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don't ever say "shhh!" in an instant message. People get real pissed.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
(straight face)
Tomorrow is Waterloo! omFg guys! Waterloo! Shit is gonna hit the fan!
HAHAHAHAHAHA
(straight face)
Siddhartha is horrible.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
(straight face)
Night Games Club: do do dodododo do do do DO do do dodododo do do do do DO dodo do DO do do dooooo.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
(straight face)
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[09 Oct 2005|06:34pm] |
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ted leo and the pharmacists |
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Please write a brief statement in which you explain how the boy in this picture uses his stomach, the cup, and the expression on his face to "woo" women.
If you are at a loss as to what you should write in your brief statement, do not worry. We all are.
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| Today was "What I want to be when I grow up" day. |
[29 Sep 2005|11:09pm] |
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 gotta love 'em |
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by the way |
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I want to be a biker chick. OBVIOUSLY. Or Terminator according to Ramirez. Whateva. **flips hand**
I look really sick, by the way.
And I don't even care that I got grounded, it was totally worth it.
John wants to be a Festival bagger for the rest of his life. WHAT A LOSER! No, just kidding! He was a pimp today with those hot glasses... and he really should be part of theatre.
Swet wants to be a Pilot. A five year old pilot... apparently. But, nonetheless, he is definitely hot! Just look at him!
Then this happened... 
it's a Penis Lizard. They were created in a lab in Afghanistan.
Gotta love 'em. You just gotta.
Swet says:
"HAHA! SOUTHWEST JUST KICKED YO' ASS!"
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| Pointless Update |
[24 Sep 2005|11:48pm] |
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 blah blah blah |
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you've got to get away |
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I've come to the mentality that posting when I don't have an event to post about or pictures to post with is pointless. But, nevertheless, I haven't posted the traditional "going back to school is shit" post. Commence "SCHOOL YAY" post...... now.
Actually, school isn't that bad. My classes are pretty good. The only thing that blows, actually the only two things that blow, are that I do not have a lunch, which I put on myself so I will not complain about that, and having the same teacher, in the exact same room, with almost the exact same seat, for three hours in a row. CRAAAANNNEE TRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN! Yea, I'm glad I have interesting people in those classes, otherwise I'd die. It doesn't help that he finds me obnoxious, which most teachers do.
I wouldn't be saddened by school starting, if it hadn't been for the routine of it all. Summer is over, and that's okay because it had its time. But routine has to be the worst part about school. I despise doing the same things over and over and over again. It's also sort of a contradiction though, because as much of a routine as it is, there are a lot of things that are changing, and a few in particular are just alittle hard to bare. That's alright though. "Shit happens." And trying to prolong or prevent change is naive. I just wish it wasn't going so fast.
Working every night kinda sucks, but the people there make it better. I like hanging out with different people once an awhile. It's refreshing to just sit and talk with people that don't know everything about me already.
College jive is overwhelming. I can't imagine applying to more than 3 colleges. I know someone that actually applied to six schools. SIX! He's got all of his stuff done too. That's just amazing to me. Mind boggling.
Hung out with Jen most of this weekend. I think knowing I'm gonna hang out with her pretty much every weekend makes my week move faster. "Hey... you.. I hate you... you... you... fucking fag you... you... I hate you.." "ah jen... an employee just walked by..."
Homecoming is next week. I hope it's a good time. I still don't know for sure who I'm going with, but I guess it doesn't matter because we are all going as a group, regardless of who is going with who. I guess we are all kind of taking eachother... if that makes any sense. I'm content with that.
I have to work at 7:30 in the morning at the packer stadium. That should be fun. I need to go to bed. Night everyone.
Love,
Lizard
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| Summer part 1 |
[31 Aug 2005|11:17pm] |
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Well, it seems that I have finished my homework earlier than expected, and I'm too excited about that to go to bed, so I'll make some quick comments about summer. This is by no means the only post, because this summer deserves at least a good 3.
This summer was like jordan said, the best summer of my life.
( For the ones who were there everyday )
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[28 Aug 2005|12:47am] |
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I'd Rather Dance With You |
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Well, Since school starts in 4 days, I guess I should admit that summer really is coming to an end. And instead of doing anything completely major because it really is the end, we just sit around all day and do almost nothing. But I do love the fires, even if I pretend to be angry when I get the "I'm bored, let me come over and build a fire" call. And even if we don't do anything anymore, we are still doing whatever we do together, and that's the best kind of "absolutely nothing," I suppose.
I was really stressed about college and everything that goes with it, applying for college AND the gazillion scholarships that are out there, figuring out how I'm gonna pay for absolutely everything by myself. But I found motivation today and actually sent in for applications, looked at a lot of scholarships, and it's not as hard as I perceived it to be. Makes life seem a lot easier, at least for now.
Summer reading was fun... I didn't keep a journal, god knows why, and now I have twice as much to do. I'm an idiot.
Watching the stars tonight made everything seem quite trivial. Everything that has seemed important in the last few weeks has just turned to nothing but complete and utter nonsense. I suppose I like that feeling, puts a lot of things in perspective, makes me kind of hate how I make a bigger deal about most things than I should.
Show tomorrow, maybe the first show I've been to all summer, or at least for the majority of the summer.
I had fun kids, I had fun.
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